23. the denim jacket
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Happy weekend !
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.