Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn