Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

Snack for election night!

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet