Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”