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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”