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Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing