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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
