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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
The Others (2001)
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.