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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.