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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.