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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Ovenable?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.