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My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
every college guy’s fridge
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job