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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall