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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
reminder
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
When you have to use a public restroom.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!