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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar