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I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
cats when you pet them too long:
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.