23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
You Might Also Like
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
For real 🤣
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
this is the kind of friend i am
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows