Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.