23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
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A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Just how popey was the pope today?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.