Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Genius idea!!

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.