23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
You Might Also Like
Lmao 🤣
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”