23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
That’s incredible! 👌
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.