24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
This is me 🤣🤣
Just grow your own
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.