Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*