Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

Spell check is for lasers.

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*