Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.