24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult