Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

WHY would you be happy about this?

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.