Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.