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kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open