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Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Hang in there buddy
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…