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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls