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My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please