Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.