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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight