You Might Also Like
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
😭😭
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.