25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
two people or more is called a problem
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?