25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse