25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.