25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
SF is the wild wild west man
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.