Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

prepare for carbonated trouble