Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

This fish is cracking me up

DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Plant care tips

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes