Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.

10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I am laughing way too hard at this.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.