Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Cat.

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen