Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

This headline is a thing of beauty