Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

Schrödinger’s cookie

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!