You Might Also Like
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*