You Might Also Like
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
canadian assassins are called killergrams
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.