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Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.