You Might Also Like
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there