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My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
are there any atheist mantises?