You Might Also Like
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Frankenstein?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid