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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
you gotta be faster
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Weirdly Wednesday.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft