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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head