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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Owl Sanctuary
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle