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Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
wtf
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Cats (2019)
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear