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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m already scared
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”