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I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
same but as an audience member
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Terribly Tuesday.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
? 💀