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My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
When someone trying to leave me
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.