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going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
🤷♀️
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.