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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate