Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

I beg you to euthanise me

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.