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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*