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.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Wise advice
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a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
my dog when i have a friend over
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Facebook memories be like
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