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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
did it work
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol