You Might Also Like
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
mood
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Split the bill
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Yup….perfect score!
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”