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For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Expect the unexporcupine.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Breaking news:
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
