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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?