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Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter